Last Semester and Goodbyes

So this is my last semester at CMU. I'm oh-so-glad that it is finally THE LAST SEMESTER. (I know writing that in capitalized letters is not going to make a lot of difference, but I want to make sure you understand my feelings here) I have always been better at expressing myself by writing things out rather than speaking my mind out (just today afternoon I botched a presentation with too much useless talking. Definitely was one of the most terrible feelings, especially when you are in front of the whole class!) Anyway, too many wandering thoughts (observed by the fact that I have written more stuff in the brackets!) So as I was saying, I do finally feel good (well somewhat) about getting till here. The last two years have been incredibly hard. And I am not saying this because it's grad school and I have a private college background and all that. CMU is particularly hard (and well nasty too, especially on self-worth and self-confidence). The coursework is intense and expectations are so sky high. For an average student like me (see, this is what I was talking about - the self-worth thingy), it seemed like the hardest thing ever. And yet, I would say that the experience has been overwhelming. I finally know what I definitely DON'T WANT to do. For what its worth - it took me two years of sleepless nights, constant questioning of choices and my existence and of course $80,000. This has been some expensive lesson eh. Well yeah it indeed has been. And I do take responsibility for that. But the point here I am trying to make is 'what next'? I am looking for a job (it has been horribly stressful) but I am not sure I am going to get one inspite of earning a Dual Master's degree from the 4th best school in the world. What a shame. Honestly.
I wish I could say I am the luckiest person to have this kind of opportunity, but well you know, the grass is always greener on the other side. While I do believe that once I get a job, things will be much easier and more comfortable, right now I am in an abyss. One of the darkest periods of my life where I am being tested and evaluated for all the decisions I have ever made in my life. Wrong and right. Hopefully I will be able to hold on, give it my best shot and get to a place where I am happy. I have been waiting for that day. Believe me. Since a long time now, it's been more of a struggle than being really happy. So I am waiting to get there. And that is why being in the last few days of my last semester gives me hope. Wish me luck! Because I am going to need every bit of it.